That means ZERO years old in local time.

That’s one of the scariest realizations for many people. You need to learn almost everything from scratch – like a little child. Some people accept it, others don’t.

If you accept it and become a child with all her openness and curiosity about everything around her, you are on the way to happy and satisfying life.

Have you ever observed little children?

Two, three, four year olds? They live every day with their eyes wide open. They don’t have any preconceived ideas. They ask many questions – just because they want to know everything and they are very curious. That’s exactly why they learn so fast. Just imagine what a child learns in the first three years of his life. It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?

And that’s the trick. When you move countries, forget your age and become a child again. Realize that there is heaps for you to learn about your new environment, and the simplest and fastest way to learn is the child’s way – forget any preconceived ideas you might have, open up to all new ideas and ask many questions about anything and everything.

Remind yourself that it is ok not to know everything.

Why do so many people pretend to know everything? If you are one of those – just get over yourself. Do it for your own good.

Not everybody is able to do this. For some people, this is just too “below their level”. They are big and wise. They have lived through lots of experiences. Why should they become a child again?

Because to move to another country is like being just born in that country.

It’s exactly the same. If you try to use your experiences and your wisdom you’ve achieved in your country of origin, much of what you’ve learned so far will not apply and will not work in the new country. If you refuse to learn new and often different or contradicting things, you’ll suffer in the new country. You’ll resent everything new and different, and the new country will resent you as a consequence.

Some people believe that by learning new things they somehow betray their country of origin. They feel stuck in a no win situation.

Let me ask you something. Imagine that you have one child. Then one day a second child is born. Does it mean that by giving birth to a second child you betrayed the first one? Of course not!

You are not betraying anyone by giving birth to a second child. If anything, you are extending your love and care to two children instead of just one.

That’s the most useful way I know how to look at it. By learning another language, by learning about another country, its people, customs and way of life, you are expanding your love and care to two countries not just one. You can love them both. People you love can live in both countries. You can even support two national sport teams instead of one.

Decide to become a child with big open curious eyes when you move to another country. Enjoy the wonder and journey of getting to know the new world you were just born into. Have fun with it. You might end up loving two countries instead of just one.

We were getting many invitations to various events and parties mostly by my husband’s work colleagues. He wanted to attend and I hated every single invitation. We always used to fight – he wanted to go and I didn’t. My friend Halina told me – “Yeah, it sucks! You can’t communicate with them, so you don’t want to go. If you don’t go, how will you learn to communicate with them?

You have to go. If you don’t go, you’ll never learn.”

That was the scariest thought of all. I really wanted to learn English, learn about people, customs and culture, so that I could really communicate with people around me. I was prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve that. If it meant to attend parties with tens of strangers I could not understand, so be it. I felt terrible before each event and didn’t want to go but I went. To my surprise, I really enjoyed myself even though I was “talking” to people much more with my hands than with my mouth. I enjoyed myself because everybody tried to help me. People appreciated that I was “very brave” to attend their party even though I could hardly say a word. They were very nice to me, very friendly and did their best to help me. I learned the lesson:

Once you get over your fear and go, everything is ok. Over time, it becomes easier and easier.

Looking back, I realize that had I rejected invitations from the locals at the beginning, I would have kept rejecting them till they would stop offering. I would have missed out on many great times with wonderful people and I wouldn’t have learned about many local customs.

Once you start rejecting something or somebody, you cut yourself off many opportunities to learn, to grow and to understand.

At the beginning, when you don’t know much about your new country, you have no idea how to choose or what you would like and what you wouldn’t like.

If you start accepting all invitations, you’ll be introduced to new people and you’ll learn heaps about the locals. I suggest – go for it.

Don’t pick and choose. Don’t try to figure out what is better. Accept every invitation you get. You never know where each invitation might lead you.

When you move into someone else’s house, you are a guest.

You are treated as a guest, as long as you play by the rules of the hosts, right?

Imagine that a stranger walks in your house, looks around and in first two minutes, just after you met, starts telling you what’s wrong with your house, how you should change your furniture and that you should wear different clothes. How would you react? You would probably be shocked and then you would ask the stranger to leave. Or at least, you would think it’s very rude and you would be upset with him, right?

As I said, this is a no-brainer but it never stops to amaze me, how

many people who just moved to a new country behave exactly like a very rude guest.

And do you know what happens next? Well, when you are a rude guest, locals don’t like it. Depending on the culture you find yourself in, you might get shot, or you might get yelled at, or and that’s the case for Anglo-Saxon culture, people won’t say much or anything at all. They just find a way to turn around and leave you, the rude one, alone. They are very polite about it and often do it with a smile. In any case, you will end up feeling rejected and excluded …. and you start blaming THEM.

People who live happy lives in a new country have many things in common. Being polite and friendly to the locals is one of them. What’s considered polite is different in different countries. If you assume that in the new country people will understand you and expect that the locals will adjust to you, you’ll set yourself for many painful and disappointing situations.

It is up to you to learn the local customs first. It’s not about leaving your home customs behind, not at all (apart from the customs that might be illegal in your new country but that’s another topic). It’s about being a polite guest in home of your host. It is up to you to find out what’s expected from you – what is considered polite, what’s rude, what’s acceptable and what’s not.

When you show interest in learning about your new country, local people will be happy to tell you and show you everything. They’ll help you as much as they possibly can, as long as you show your respect for your hosts first. And you’ll also make some friends on the way.

This really is a very simple rule. Remember that you are a guest in someone else’s home when you first arrive. It is up to you to be a polite guest. After a while, when you find your way around and make few new friends, you’ll get lots of opportunities to explain yourself and your culture. Countries like Australia, USA or Canada are made of immigrants. We are all on the same boat and generally speaking, locals are very open minded and welcoming to newcomers from other cultures. They do expect one thing, though. They expect that you show your respect and appreciation for them letting you move to their country. If you do that, very soon they’ll accept you and treat you as one of them. They make you feel welcome and you’ll feel at home in your new country very soon. It requires only one thing from you –

be interested in learning about your new country’s customs, what’s acceptable and what’s not, what’s polite and what’s rude first.

If you don’t, you’ll always feel and you’ll always be treated like a foreigner.

This is the second half of the vicious cycle I talked about in the Tip #2.

“Memory optimism” is a well described phenomenon that often happens to people when they move to another country.

As I said before, our brains are funny things. When they can’t cope with a situation, they trick us into believing something that is not true – just to give us temporary relief. Memory optimism is one of those tricks. It means that we have a tendency to remember only nice things from the past and our mind makes them even nicer, and forget not so nice things. When that is combined with feeling confused, scared and overwhelmed in your current life, and that is very common when people move to a new country, you might fall into the trap of thinking –

“back home everything used to be perfect and here my life sucks!” When that happens, the person sentences himself/herself to a miserable life. Guaranteed!

It is essential that you remember exactly why you came to live in another country. Everybody has different reasons, but one way or another you must have had a big reason or reasons why you decided to leave your country and move elsewhere. It is always a big decision.

This was the second piece of advice we received in a letter from Halina before we arrived to Australia. We were very lucky to be aware of this right from the beginning. When life gets tough, and it always does from time to time no matter where you are, it’s very important to remember what were your reasons to come to a new country.

I suggest you write down 4 lists:

1)      What you love about your country of origin and what you are going to miss

2)      What you don’t like about your country of origin and are glad that you won’t have to live with any more

3)      Why you are moving to a new country. What are your big reasons to move.

4)      What are your hopes and dreams, what do you want to achieve by the move.

If you already are in a new country, never mind. Think back and make sure you think as hard and objectively as you possibly can. Make up those lists as if you were writing them one day before your departure from your home country.

“During first 12 months don’t make any big decisions. Don’t form any opinions about anything. Just observe, ask lots of questions, talk to people – be like a sponge. Just learn. After a year, you’ll be a different person. Then go ahead, form opinions and make decisions.”

That totally puzzled me. I had no idea what he meant. I trusted him, so I did what he suggested even though I didn’t know why. After a year, when I looked back, I knew exactly what he meant and why this advice was so important. I was very grateful I listened.

Our brains are funny things. Natural quick reaction to unknown is rejection. When you first arrive to a new country, everything is new and different. Our brains can’t cope and when they can’t cope, they do all sorts of strange things. One of the things they do, they go into “rejection mode”. They basically tell you – “this is different and that means bad”. It’s a coping mechanism and many people fall into that trap. Some of them never get out.

It works like this – in the beginning, there is so many things to handle, learn and take care of that we become overwhelmed very quickly. It’s not just one or two new things to deal with, it’s everything. Every aspect of your life is affected and you do your best to cope. The easiest way to cope is to reject everything that’s different. If you reject something, you don’t have to deal with it. Or that’s what our brain tells us. Of course, all this happens on a subconscious level. It’s a trap. People who fall into it get “stuck”. Stuck in “everything and everybody is bad here” way of thinking. As a consequence, they often continue into “memory optimism” when they think “everything was fantastic where I came from”. That’s a topic for another tip in this series.

These two combined create a vicious cycle of unhappiness here and now.

So, when Tony suggested that we shouldn’t form any opinions in the first 12 months living in Melbourne, he was protecting us from this trap. We just observed. There was nothing bad, great, weird, nice, strange or ugly. Everything just was. Pretty much everything was different than we were used to, but that was ok.

Tony gave us “permission not to think anything for a year”.

And the sponge? Well, we spent a year just learning about life around us. What everything means, why people do what they do, what’s acceptable and what’s not. Everything. Of course, if you do this, you’ll learn heaps of stuff in a year! After a year, we understood thousand times more about life around us, work and culture in our new country. We didn’t have to be scared anymore. We didn’t have any urge to reject things just because they were different. We came to like many new things. Our brains didn’t have to panic any more.

If I could give only one advice to anybody – this would be it.

This is the single most important thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones – spend 12 months like a sponge. Don’t judge, don’t form any opinions about anything. Listen, observe and ask many questions. After a year, you’ll be grateful you did that.

If you’ve been living in a new country for a long time already, never mind. You can start your 12 months like a sponge today. Better late than never.

That was the very first advice we heard from Tony. Tony and his wife Halina migrated to Australia 11 years before us. We didn’t know each other before we arrived. They were friends of a friend of a friend and they offered to help us in the beginning.

We exchanged a few letters before our arrival. It was early nineties and email was a brand new baby back then (gee, it’s hard to believe nowadays). “Learn English as much as you can before you arrive. Nothing else is so important.” was the very first advice Tony wrote to us. I remember thinking – “hmm, I don’t think so. How hard it can be to learn another language when you are surrounded by it?”

I was about to find out. I didn’t speak any English when we first arrived. It became painfully obvious to me very fast that he was right. Without being fluent in the new language, you cannot work in any professional job. That’s kind of obvious. What’s really painful, though, when you can’t express yourself you can’t really communicate with people around you. You might be able to ask directions or for a loaf of bread, but that is far from enough when you want to really communicate. It’s something we take for granted – until we loose it. When you can’t express your feelings and desires, or simply talk about events of the day, it’s like you would loose a limb, just worse.

Many people in this situation turn to people in their society, speaking their language and tend to stay away from others who do not speak their language. It’s perfectly fine to find comfort this way, as long as you focus on learning the new language.

Some people freak out at the beginning, become resentful of the new surroundings, society and the new language, and that is a start of downward spiral. It starts with feeling better while you are surrounded by “your own people”. You start finding excuses and reasons why you don’t want to socialise with the locals. You start finding all sorts of “problems” with them till you actually persuade yourself, that there many things wrong with the local people, language, customs, culture and pretty much everything. Then you start persuading others about your beliefs – your children, your friends, even locals. They don’t like it and they withdraw from you as a consequence. But you don’t see it that way. You blame them for excluding you, being unfriendly to you, or even for being racist. You blame your discomfort on them. The more you blame them, the more they detach themselves from you, and the more you blame them. And so on and on …. One day you wake up and your children have friends among the locals or they have local boyfriends or girlfriends. That makes you really mad and uncomfortable! And the downward spiral continues …

And it all started years ago, when your English wasn’t good enough. It probably still isn’t good enough. Now, you are older and it’s all too hard….

Unless you realize that your discomfort started with your behaviour and do something about it, you are for a long unhappy life in a country that feels very unfriendly and hostile.

Let me tell you one thing: if you don’t learn English (or whatever the language of your new country is) to the level that you can communicate about anything you want as fluently as in your first  language, you will not have a happy life in the new country. That’s it. Sooner or later, everything will come down to your knowledge of English. The level of your knowledge of local language will determine the level of your happiness and happiness of your family.

Tony was very smart and he was right. If you’ve chosen to live in another country –

learn its language REALLY WELL as fast as possible.

When I first came to Australia, I was very fortunate. Complete strangers helped me. I don’t know how my new life in Australia would have turned out without them. I have always been very grateful for everything they’ve done for me. Most of it was “just talking”. They just knew what I needed at that point in time, so that I can live a happy life in a new country. Some of them are my best friends today.

I always wanted to return their favors one day. They were telling me – “Don’t worry about it. I am sure if you were in my situation you would have done the same.” Hmm, I was never sure about that. For me they are my heroes.

After first few years, after I settled in Australia and my life was great, this “thing” also settled in my mind. And it wouldn’t leave. It might have disappeared for a while but it was always coming back. It bothered me. Sometimes it intrigued me and inspired me. I even wanted to write a book about the “thing”. I started several times but never got far. It didn’t feel right. It used to make me angry – GO AWAY!!

Life went on and I’ve been collecting notes on the way. Notes scattered all over the place – in various files on my computer, in hundreds of emails that I’ve exchanged with many people all over the world or I’ve just sent to myself as a reminder. Scattered in my many experiences and in stories of others.

And then, one day in 2011 Two IDEAS struck:

Idea #1: Name “Vera’s Tips Series”

The name for the “thing” popped in my head and “Vera’s Tips Series” was born. That’s it! I am going to put all those notes I’ve been collecting over so many years out there, so that they are easily accessible to anybody. And I am going to publish the notes one by one and let people comment on them, ask questions and tell me what works for them, what doesn’t and what they would like to hear. After that Idea #2 was a no-brainer.

Idea #2:  Internet + Blog + Input from Others = Perfect Platform

That’s it! That’s what’s been on my mind for so long. My friends who helped me so much almost 20 years ago don’t need my help today. We are good friends and that’s all that matters.

On the other hand, there are millions people who move countries every year. They all can do with a bit of help. Sometimes one word, one sentence or one simple idea can change someone’s life for the better. I have collected MANY ideas over the last 20 years. They helped me and many others.

Vera’s Tips Series is my way to “pay it forward”. I hope that my Tips will find many people who need to hear them. Or maybe just one Tip will help someone to turn their life towards more happiness. That’s what I wish for.

Warning

I am certain that some of the Tips will not please everyone. Some are confronting, controversial or politically incorrect. I have learned and believe that sometimes the truth is not easy to hear but if we refuse to hear it, we are unable to move forward. Some of my Tips will stir some strong emotions, I am sure. Please know that I have put my Tips Series together with one and only aim in mind – I want to help as many people as I can to live happy lives in countries that they don’t come from. I am going to do whatever it takes, to my best knowledge and abilities, to get the messages across.

Ok. I am ready to begin now.

Please let me know what you think about my Tips. Leave me a comment, question, or you might have a suggestion what I should talk about. You are welcome to argue with me if you don’t agree with something. I’ll do my best to answer all your comments.

To your happy life journey!

Vera

If you’ve never been to Melbourne and if you plan to live there for a while, temporarily or permanently, studying or working, this Guide is for you. If you are just visiting, the Guide might give you some inspiration.

You can download it right HERE.

I have put this Guide together based on years of experiences and observations of newcomers to Melbourne. I believe that the first few weeks are crucial to how quickly and successfully a person settles down and acclimatizes in the new City.

Guide to Melbourne, Australia will:

• take you through some of the biggest Melbourne attractions

• help you to familiarize yourself with the City and its surroundings

• guide you through the process from being a complete stranger to “I’ve been living here for a while” almost-local. In only 2 weeks!

I hope you’ll enjoy all the adventures. Have fun with it!

And please, let me know how it worked for you. All comments and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

To your happy life journey!

Vera

- The author of the Guide to Melbourne, Australia

All photos in this post courtesy of Kieran McNamara.